MORE FOR MARRIAGE

More for Marriage
Plenty to Do to Repair Broken Families
02/16/2000

Oklahomans would disagree that we must do more in this state to fix broken families. Oklahoma has one of the top divorce rates in the country --No. 2 by many accounts -- and in the last 10 years has seen more rapid increases in the number of out-of-wedlock births and teen-age births than the rest of the country.

Such statistics hide the emotionally scarred children involved in custody disputes and the single parents sentenced to a life of poverty. But they also have economic consequences for all of us.

Young people who don't finish high school and have their first child before age 20 have a 79 percent chance they will live in poverty, Alison Fraser, deputy state finance director, told a group attending this week's pro-family rally at the state Capitol this week. Of those who get a high school diploma and wait to have children, only 8 percent will live in poverty.

More than 20 percent of single-parent families make less than $10,000 a year, compared to just 2.7 percent of married-couple families in that same income category, Fraser said. Fifty-two percent of the homes where just one parent lives make less than $25,000 a year; in two-parent homes, just 17.5 percent make that amount.

While it's easy to measure the economic costs of divorce and having children out of wedlock, it's not so easy to find solutions. Government can't do everything to turn these trends around. But it can stop penalizing intact families with a married mother and father with higher taxes, like the tax relief the U.S. House passed last week is intended to correct. It can stop excluding private, faith- based institutions that deal with these issues from working with the government's own programs, as one law passed a few years ago did.

Gov. Frank Keating also had the right idea by bringing state religious leaders together to pledge to do more to strengthen marriage, such as serious counseling for engaged couples. Those who signed the Oklahoma Marriage Covenant on Monday included leaders from Baptist, Catholic, Assemblies of God and Mennonite Brethren churches, Jewish temples and the Islamic Society of Tulsa.

Other ideas that came out of the family rally include:

Getting rid of no-fault divorces. As U.S. Rep. Ernest Istook, R-Warr Acres, pointed out, marriage is the only legal contract that the government lets people break without negative consequences.

Promoting mediation in divorce cases and requiring equal access to children at the time of an initial divorce proceeding.

Passing harsher penalties for people who make false allegations of child abuse and preventing someone from making an anonymous complaint of abuse.

Working with businesses to find ways to strengthen relationships. As Jerry Regier, Keating's secretary for health and human services noted, worry about a divorce or child custody battle affects a person's productivity at work.

Taking the $105 million surplus from welfare money, as Regier suggested, and giving it to programs that promote marriage.

We're sure to hear more from politicians who want to do things "for the children." As we've said before, we should start with a boost for traditional marriages.

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February 16, 2000

Oklahoma City, OK.  The third Annual Oklahoma Pro-Family day Rally held at the State Capitol in Oklahoma City on Valentine's Day was a huge success. It was bigger than in the past because more organizations had exhibits this year...over 40 in total...that deal with families or the consequences of family breakdown, or ones that never form. We had parents, children, grandparents, and extended family in attendance representing all communities from across Oklahoma, and several guest visitors from surrounding states.

The Pro-Family Rally at the Capitol received state wide publicity from print, radio, and television media prior to the rally, during the rally, and since the rally.  An organizer of Kansas's first Family Month and Pro-Family Day Rally held in January, was also in attendance to learn how we in Oklahoma are bringing the importance of family to the forefront.  We are getting the word out that families are important to Oklahoma and Oklahoma's future.

Organizations who had exhibits ranged from organizations that work at forming families, saving two-parent family structure, those interested in protecting the rights of parents to be parents and extended family to know their relatives, those involved in the healing and strengthening of families, the betterment of families, the training of parents and children, the education of our children, the health and safety of our children, the spirituality of our children, the morality and character of our children, covering the fate and destiny of Oklahomans from conception to death.

The rally was also better this year as the focus of the rally stressed how marriage, family stability, choices made by young adults to have children out-of-wedlock, and the adversarial nature of divorce and family break down can either increase the chances of children doing well or doing poorly. A clearer picture of the importance of family and family structure to how well our children do, and to Oklahoma's future was made this year. The commonality of interests, goals, and roles of each organization in promoting and strengthening families in Oklahoma was also better conveyed and understood by many.

Organizations who participated in the rally this year represented many thousands of Oklahomans across the state, serving as conduits of information to them, as well as  many providing programs to better families and educate our youth. The take home lesson from the rally was that choices of marriage, family formation and stability, and the involvement of both parents in rearing children not only impact children today, but the effects on children due to parent's choices impacts Oklahoma today and in the future at all levels.

There were numerous invited speakers during the morning symposium. Each speaker at the rally stressed different issues about the benefits of families with a husband and wife that are committed to each other and to their children, or the consequences of broken families or families not forming due to parent's choices, or how their organizations were proactively trying to help Oklahoma's families and children.

It was stressed by Governor Frank Keating that there are limitations to what government can do and can't do, and what Oklahomans must do themselves when provided the opportunity. Governor Keating also stressed the importance of church involvement, and he met with numerous religious leaders later that day who signed a covenant requiring pre-marital counseling of couples prior to performing their marriage.

Congressman Ernest Istook stressed the importance of removing the disincentives to marriage like the marriage tax penalty, and the need to make divorce harder by changing no-fault divorce laws. Today, a spouse at fault can be rewarded for behavior that led to the divorce and putting children at risk.

Mr. Jerry Regier, Cabinet Secretary of Human Services described the governor's marriage initiative and using welfare reform money to promote marriage, family stability, parenting classes, and other education programs that would be proactive in helping Oklahoma families form or last.  The welfare reform laws passed by Congress since 1996 allow states to use money for these purposes, yet states including Oklahoma have not promoted or implemented a proactive approach with these federal funds in a major way to date. Oklahoma has now over 100 million dollars of this money which is unspent, and that could be used in part for these proactive programs. Senator Scott Pruitt and Representative Jim Reese have legislation pending this session that will authorize the use of funds for these type of programs. Senator Pruitt also described how this legislation will allow faith-based organizations to implement these programs as they are often the only source of help in rural areas.

Alison Fraser, the Deputy State Finance Director, described how young adults having children out-of-wedlock and broken families, impacts the wealth and opportunity for Oklahomans today and often for the rest of their lives. Choices made by parents today about their family, marriage, and divorce can lead to less opportunity for parents and children today and in the future...and thus impact the future of all Oklahomans including those who never experience an out-of-wedlock birth or divorce. The destiny of all of Oklahoma rides on the backs of what happens to families in Oklahoma.

Numerous Oklahoma legislators addressed the audience on their beliefs about the importance of families and what government can do. There is a willingness to change the laws to help families, instead of promoting their destruction by following failed social policies of the past 4 decades. Representative Betty Boyd of Tulsa passionately described what 56 1/2 years of marriage to her husband Bill has meant to her (Bill has cancer and last week fell and broke his arm), and how even though she was not a lawyer that what is happening today in regards to families, parents, and children is not right.  Many described legislation they have passed or introduced to help Oklahoma families.  Replacing the adversarial nature of divorce was stressed as well as the commitment to ensuring children have the emotional and financial support from both parents. What was apparent from the legislators this year, that has been absent in the past, is that they are willing to take a stand for Oklahoma families, marriage, and children....they have been empowered by the efforts of all of us who make the Pro-Family Rally at the Capitol happen and be a success.

Leaders from the community stressed the importance of letting legislators know what is important to Oklahomans and Oklahoma's future...more marriage with commitment, less divorce, and a decrease in out-of-wedlock births. They stressed the need to eliminate laws that work against family formation and stability.  Many also described programs that they provide to Oklahomans to help our youth become adults with morals and character, help parents with problems, or troubled youth change their lives.

The morning symposium was a great success.

Our Keynote speaker, Professor Sanford L. Braver of Arizona State University, who is a husband, parent, and grandparent, covered the results of his research on divorce during the free Bar-B-Q lunch. His research results not only shocked him as it was gathered and analyzed, but it should make all of us pause for reflection and thought.....because myth and anecdotal case histories have replaced reality when passing domestic relations laws that impact family formation and stability.

What is clear from Dr. Braver's results of surveying both parents who divorce, is that myths lay at the heart of broken families and how we treat them. Whether it be the myth on who abandons the family with children today(2/3 to 3/4 are due to mothers wanting to divorce), the reasons for divorce(number one reason is lack of continuing commitment and not abuse or adultery or substance abuse), to standard of living which is often raised today for the victor (it was nearly the same shortly after a divorce back in the late 1970s), and to non-custodial parents not caring about their children (often are driven away by a parent and court system that only recognizes money as being important and that will not ensure access).Although we all may know of divorces that fit the myths, and that may cause us to believe it is the norm, the lesson of his work is that they are not the norm.  What we hear from others is not both sides of the story or necessarily the truth.  His research indicates there is an imbalance in domestic relations laws as they exist today, and as many of you may know, the imbalance favors the winner regardless of gender, and at the expense of the children.

Dr. Braver's latest findings that he presented comes from surveying children of divorce now in college (away from parental influence), and indicated that 70% of the students of divorced families wanted much more time with their other parent after the divorce than they were allowed. This is contrary to what many proponents of the divorce industry argue as they promote the adversarial nature of it, a victor, and turning a parent into a visit or. His research also indicated that parents who are allowed to remain in their children's lives after divorce are more likely to help their children go to college and guide them into adulthood. The conclusion from this latter research is that laws and policies that have neglected or failed to address a child's need for emotional support from both parents must be changed.

All in all the 3rd Annual Pro-Family Day Rally at the Capitol in Oklahoma City this year was a great success due to the participation and help from many of you...by contributing your individual or organization's expertise, suggestions, support, and help during the rally that made it happen. I have heard numerous positive comments about the rally from legislators, government officials, citizens, and community leaders in the past two days. We did good this year and you all should be proud of what has been accomplished in the past three years!!! What we have accomplished this year with our rally, however, must be carried over to a continued commitment to follow the legislative session, continue to communicate with each other on matters important to us, and of course to begin planning for how we shall make our 4th Annual Rally at the Capitol even better.

Each and everyone of us deserves thanks and applause for making this rally our best one yet. I personally thank each of you for your help because together we are making a difference in Oklahoma.

Sincerely,

Dr. Gregory J. Palumbo Oklahomans for Families Alliance

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Distributed by the:
Men’s Health Network
www.menshealthnetwork.orginfo@menshealthnetwork.org