Clinton Jokes

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

Clinton Jokes

Diehard Clinton supporters believe if Hillary Clinton does not decide to run for the Presidency in '08, Bill Clinton will again consider throwing his pants in the ring.

"Bill Clinton is looking forward to advising many dot-com companies. But Clinton is in for a disappointment. These companies are on the Internet [but] Clinton thought they said the Intern Net." --Alex Kaseberg 

Jay Leno.... 

Barack Obama is attacking some of Hillary Clinton’s comments on torture. At one point, Hillary had said that “in some narrow cases torture could be acceptable.” Like, for example, if your husband is sneaking in at 2:30 in the morning.

In a recent interview former President Bill Clinton was asked how he would handle being a “first husband.” If Hillary gets elected that would be his title. He said he would have no problem being a first husband. Being a husband first—that’s a problem.

Hillary Clinton is working hard to win the women’s vote; they say her campaign has six full-time staffers just for women’s “outreach.” And another six full-time staffers to keep women out of Bill’s reach.

The U.S. Senate held an all-night session last [week], trying to get the votes needed to begin troop withdrawal from Iraq. They lost. They stayed in the Senate chamber all night long, with some of them sleeping on cots. In fact, Hillary stayed up so late, she actually saw Bill sneaking in. ...

Hillary Clinton has finally picked a theme song for her campaign. Now if she could just pick out a position on Iraq. That would be great. 

In a campaign ad that is a spoof of the big "Sopranos" finale Hillary Clinton plays the part of Tony Soprano in the diner. You know what the difference is between Hillary Clinton and Tony Soprano? Tony Soprano goes to the strip club to get away from his spouse. Hillary goes to the strip club to find her spouse.

According to the Boston Herald, observers are saying that Hillary Clinton looks like she’s had some work done. In fact, she has changed her appearance so much in the last year, at one of the campaign rallies, Bill accidentally hit on her.

All of the candidates have released their financial statements. Turns out Bill Clinton made $10 million from speaking engagements last year. See that sounds glamorous, but imagine all those nights in a hotel room, Hillary half-way across the country, him sitting there by himself all lonely. ... 

According to a new poll, Hillary's lead in the polls is due to her support by women. She's bringing in the female vote. And Bill is attracting "the other woman" vote. ...

There are three new books out now about Hillary Clinton. One on each of her positions on the Iraq war.

Barack Obama’s wife Michelle has been out there campaigning for her husband and she praised her husband for having a “moral compass.” In fact, Hillary Clinton called her and asked, “Where can I get one of these moral compasses for Bill?” ..

Hillary Clinton used three private jets in a single day in a campaign swing through South Carolina. Today she was officially named a Hollywood environmentalist.

(March 26, 2007) Hillary and Bill Clinton appeared together at a fundraiser in New York last weekend. 
They're appearing together again this weekend.
Bill wants to be there to support her campaign. 
She wants Bill there because it's Spring Break.

Famous designer Donatella Versace has recommended that Hillary Clinton stop wearing those pant suits and start wearing dresses and skirts. Versace said Hillary should treat femininity as an opportunity. You know, the way Bill does.

The Constitution does not specify how long the State of the Union address must be. You know who gave the longest State of the Union address ever? Bill Clinton. You know who gave the shortest? George Washington. It was just a couple of minutes. 
Well sure, when a politician cannot tell a lie, it limits how much they can say. Clinton could go on for hours. ... 

The political experts are asking what role Bill Clinton will play in Hillary's campaign. I'm guessing the cheating husband?

Big announcement from Senator Hillary Clinton: She now says that she wouldn't have voted to authorize President Bush's attack on Iraq if she knew what she knows now.
Big deal. She wouldn't have married Bill if she knew what she knows now.

Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton has announced that she has decided to vote against the nomination of John Roberts for the Supreme Court. She said it was a matter of conscience. And when she explained this to Bill he said, "A matter of what?"

Bill Clinton is the only ex-president who hasn't planned his own funeral. Which is pretty amazing considering Clinton once had a near death experience. Not the heart bypass -- remember that time when Hillary came home early?

Speaking of that, former President Clinton said yesterday that the prison at Guantanamo Bay “should either be cleaned-up or closed down.” 
You know, there was a time when people were saying that about the Oval Office. 

Hard to believe, but in two weeks Clinton will not be President anymore.  He'll just be another chubby middle-aged guy bugging waitresses at Hooters. 

....  The big story is Hillary Clinton [will be] getting $8 million to write about her life in the White House -- including all of Bill's affairs. Actually, she can't write about all of his affairs, or else it would turn into one of those Time Life series books where you get one a month for 80 months. 

....  All the new Senators were sworn in [recently], including Hillary Clinton.  There was one kind of awkward moment when Hillary was asked what state she represented -- [and] she had to look at her driver's license.

We have a new president! Did you see the inaugural? The way Gore smiled at Bush, it was about as phony as Hillary smiling at Bill.

...  Clinton is going to get his own office here in New York. I think it's in Manhattan -- that new place, One Impeachment Plaza, up on the Upper East Side. 

Clinton is in Poland, when someone threw a raw egg at him.  Clinton is an expert at getting out stains, so the egg will be no problem!

Do you know why it's so easy to clone Hillary Clinton? Because the eggs are already frozen! 

The big story is Hillary Clinton [will be] getting $8 million to write about her life in the White House -- including all of Bill's affairs. Actually, she can't write about all of his affairs, or else it would turn into one of those Time Life series books where you get one a month for 80 months.  .... 

Some college student has sold his soul on eBay for four-hundred-dollars. Hillary said, heck four-hundred-dollars, at least when I did it I got furniture and a Senate seat!  .... 

Clinton said today this trade deal would be good for America because China will be a big customer. That’s true. China is already the biggest consumer of American politicians. They have bought more than all the other countries combined. ....

Clinton, he's sharp, very romantic, he gave Hillary a huge rose garden for Valentine's day. I wonder where he got that at?  .... 

A New Mexico petition is calling for a pardon of Billy the Kid. I didn't know he donated to the Clintons!  .... 

The Democrats argue under the Bush plan the rich get richer, unlike the Clinton plan where the rich get pardoned!

Clinton's like our national ex-wife...he won't go away.

In Philadelphia, Bill Clinton and Michael Jackson were at the same fund raiser. How's that -- a white guy that thinks he's black and a black guy that's white. ....

Letterman.... 

Hillary Clinton is going to be your next Senator. I think it’s only fair; I mean after 18 years of Bill, you ought to give somebody else in the family a chance to embarrass the Clintons.

....  It's now official. Hillary Clinton is now the junior Senator from New York; she was sworn in. She used the Clinton family Bible for the swearing in -- you know, the one with seven commandments.

Letterman's Top Things That I've Learned From The Clinton Years:  That Hee-Haw stuff is funny on TV but not in the White House.  A White House internship provides hands-on experience. You can have sex without having sex, as long as while you're having sex you don't actually have sex. You can jog every day and still be a chunky tub.  As long as the economy is good, Americans believe anything you tell them.

It's now official. Hillary Clinton is now the junior Senator from New York; she was sworn in. She used the Clinton family Bible for the swearing in -- you know, the one with seven commandments.

An armed gunman was caught shooting at the White House [recently]. They had air commandos in the helicopters, they had cops in combat gear swarming everywhere, they had Secret Service agents surrounding the White House.... And I'm thinking: "Where were these guys when the Clintons were [taking] all the furniture out of the place?"  .... 

Hillary Clinton is going to be your next Senator. I think it’s only fair; I mean after 18 years of Bill, you ought to give somebody else in the family a chance to embarrass the Clintons.

At the [presidential] inauguration, everybody was saying--not out loud, but kind of to themselves--that President Clinton looked like he had really put on a lot of weight because he looked a little bigger than normal. Well, turned out he had the White House coffee maker under his coat.

Roger Clinton got a DUI charge over the weekend. Funny, he's still not the most embarrassing member of his family!

Justin Timberlake called the [Superbowl halftime show Feb. 1, 2004] incident a "wardrobe malfunction." .... President Clinton heard that and said, "Why didn't I think of that?"

Hamilton....

Bill Clinton said Sunday it's time to shut down Guantanamo prison or clean it up. He said it's an embarrassment to the United States. His voice carries a lot of weight, because who knows more about embarrassing the United States than Bill Clinton.

Taliban leader Mullah Omar fled his headquarters just before it was bombed Tuesday. He then ordered his men to stand their ground and fight to the death. No one's seen leadership like this since Bill Clinton gave the invocation at Promise Keepers.

Linda Tripp told ABC's "20/20" that she's had her face lifted, her nose fixed and her eyes done.  It's all about survival.  With Bill Clinton becoming a free man, it's never too late to enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.

The Clintons are being criticized for taking silverware out of the [White House] when they left. For the first time in history, we need metal detectors to check people on their way OUT of the place.

Enron was the nation's largest seller of natural gas until Bill Clinton started getting $125,000 a speech.

Bill Clinton and Michael Jackson headlined a Democratic fund-raiser ... at Harlem's Apollo Theater. The idea was to promote the party's Big Tent philosophy. Whether you sexually abuse boys or girls, there is a place for you in the Democratic Party. ...

Bill Clinton will go down in history as the first white Southerner ever to move to Harlem for his own personal safety.

French President Jacques Chirac met with President Bush in France Sunday. It is hard to exaggerate their mutual contempt. The last time two presidents were this angry at one another, only their daughter Chelsea could get them talking again.

O'Brien....

“Last week the Senate held an all-night session. Sen. Hillary Clinton gave a speech at four in the morning. It was the first time Hillary gave a speech at four in the morning that didn’t begin with, ‘Where the hell have you been?”’

“There’s a new rumor that Senator Hillary Clinton recently had some plastic surgery done. Friends of Hillary deny the rumor and say, ‘Believe it or not, that’s her natural forced smile’.”

In Bangkok, a building has been named Clinton Plaza . . . after President Clinton. It contains six stories of discos, go-go bars and strip clubs. That's true! Apparently, Clinton is furious because they stole the idea for his presidential library.

“The Washington Post reports that Sen. Hillary Clinton is trying to win the Democratic nomination by reaching out to women. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, ‘Oh sure, when she does it, it’s OK’.” 

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President Clinton said that the Florida votes should be recounted or "America will be embarrassed in front of the world." [He] went on to say, Remember... embarrassing America in front of the world is my job!"

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"Sen. Hillary Clinton's apocryphal memoir...reminds all serious students of the Clinton saga that the Clintons never let you down. They are always true to their nature. They lie." --R. Emmett Tyrrell Jr.

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HILLARY STAMP

The US Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of Senator Hillary Clinton to stop her nagging, or at least slow it down. In daily use it was shown that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes.

This enraged Senator Clinton, who demanded a full
investigation. After a month of testing, a special
postal commission made the following findings:

1) The stamp was in perfect order;
2) There was nothing wrong with the applied adhesive;
3) People were spitting on the wrong side.

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This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented.

Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the following list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.  When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have. At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, of whom 4 were worth keeping.

REMEMBER this chain brings luck. One man's pit bull died, and the next day he received a Playboy swimsuit model. An unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooters waitress and a Hollywood supermodel.

You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One man broke the chain, and got his own wife back again.