Nightline jokes

Nightline jokes

Jay Leno.... Newsweek magazine reports that as many as 87 congressmen might be cheating on their wives. Well, I guess we know why it's always hard to find a hotel room in Washington.  .... The first checks of the Bush tax rebate are going out soon. Thirty percent of Americans say that they will spend the money soon. The rest are being cautious and are going to save it for when the Democrats are back in Congress and take it back!

David Letterman.... Letterman's Top George W. Bush Observations About Europe: Europeans speak worse English than I do. That Eiffel Tower would make one mother of an oil well. Austria looks nothing like it looked on "Survivor." The time difference screws up your nap schedule. The Polish people tell some great "Bush is dumb" jokes. In France, you don't have to say, "French fries," you can just say "fries." Due to the metric system, my ten-gallon hat is a whopping 37.84 liters. The Irish drive on the left side of the road, like I used to.

Argus Hamilton.... Planet of the Apes opened Friday at movie theaters nationwide to big crowds. It's about a guy who lands at a place where arrogant apes rule over people and engage in lusty mating rituals. It's a remake of Mr. Smith Goes to Washington.  .... Mt. Etna in Italy exploded violently Thursday, firing molten lava and hot gases into the air.  It was dismaying to environmentalists. God becomes only the latest world leader to refuse to abide by the terms of the Kyoto Global Warming Treaty. ....

President Bush was lectured by the pope on stem cell research [last] Monday.  It's a raging battle within the GOP. Conservatives believe life begins at conception, while moderates believe life begins when the kids leave home and the dog dies.

"I'm startin' to think that maybe they should just drop the charade of college athletes even being 'students.'  Maybe they should just pay 'em a lot of money and not worry about whether they have an ounce of sense in their heads.  Sort of the way they do now with professors." --From the cartoon "Mallard Fillmore" by Bruce Tinsley

Leno....

The House passed that big trade bill that makes China a normal trading partner with the U.S. What a proud moment for us! From now on when China runs over student demonstrators, it’ll be with American-made tanks! How about that! ....

Clinton said today this trade deal would be good for America because China will be a big customer. That’s true. China is already the biggest consumer of American politicians. They have bought more than all the other countries combined. ....

Elian Gonzalez and his Dad are expected to be moved from their secluded Maryland retreat. They’re going to a big estate in Washington, DC to be closer to the malls and shopping. You know I haven’t seen a communist living this well since Jane Fonda married Ted Turner.

Scientists in Australia say they have discovered a new tranquilizer that is effective on turtles. How would they even know? A turtle on tranquilizers – boy that sounds like the perfect pet for Al Gore.

... The National Park Service – the folks that started the recent fires near Los Alamos – says they lit the fire to reduce the chance of future wildfires. Well, it worked! There’s nothing left to burn! ....

Tonya Harding was sentenced to 3 days in jail and 10 days on a road crew for beating up her boyfriend with a hubcap.  Is that a good idea? Isn’t that where you find hubcaps, on the highway? Isn’t that like sending O.J. to work at Benihana’s? ....

Larry King is a father again at age 66. They named the baby Viagra.

Letterman's Top New York City Tourist Questions:
"Does it always smell like this?"
"Did that rat just knock over a parking meter?"
"$23 for a pretzel!?"
"Are there really 2 'L's in 'Rolex'?"
"Who knew the diamond district had so many Amish?"
"What do you mean the guy carrying my bags doesn't work for the hotel?"
"Do I have to come back to New York to testify?"
"No, I'm not looking for a good time -- hey, aren't you President Clinton?"

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XXX  said today that if he is elected, he will spend $5 billion to teach kids to read by the third grade. Here in Ontario, we already have a billion-dollar plan to teach third-grade reading. We call it the 9thth grade.