FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY

FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like ... night.

3. On the other hand, you have ... different fingers.

4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

5. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

11. Remember half the people you know are below average.

12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

13. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.

14. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

15. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

16. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

17. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

18. If Barbie is so popular why do you have to buy her friends?

19. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

20. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

21. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

22. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

24. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

25. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

26. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

27. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

28. The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.

29. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

30. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

31. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

32. Two wrongs are only the beginning.

33. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

34. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.

35. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

36. Change is inevitable except from vending machines.

37. Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.

38. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

39. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand ...

40. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

41. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

42. I once lived in the 'Real World' ... but I was served with eviction papers.

THIRTY LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE


1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He
thought he was God and I didn't.

2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill
them.

5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6.. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.

7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.


11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy,
why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I
Grew up.

19.. Procrastinate Now!

20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With
That?

21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

24..They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.

25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three
thousand times the memory.

27..Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime
commitment for a pig.

28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and
Wesson.

30.. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going
on.