One liners
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
It is so cold in Montana that the lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn
louder."Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
Everyone has a photographic memory, not everyone has film.
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For word lovers:
1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count
that votes.6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat
minor.11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at
large.23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd
dye.27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
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Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the Ark, professionals built the Titanic.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Stupidity got us into this mess-why can't it get us out?
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world.
A pessimist fears that this is true.
There is always death and taxes, however, death doesn't get worse every year.
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
Anything free is worth exactly what you pay for it.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
I am in shape, and yes, round is a shape.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes alone.
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.
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Quotes
taken from actual [U.S.] Federal Employee Performance Evaluations
1.
"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has
started to dig."
2.
"I would not allow this employee to breed."
3.
"This employee is not really so much of a has-been, but more of a definite
won't be."
4.
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
trap."
5.
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6.
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
7.
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
8.
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
them."
9.
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
10.
"This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
11.
"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all
together."
12.
"A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
13.
"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
14.
"I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
15.
"He's been working with glue too much."
16.
"He would argue with a sign post."
17.
'He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
18.
"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
19.
"If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other
one."
20.
"A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
21.
"A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
22.
"Donated his brain to science before he was done with using it."
23.
"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
24.
"Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
25.
"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
26.
"If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd receive change."
27.
"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
28.
"It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
29.
"One neuron short of a synapse."
30.
"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled."
31.
"Takes him 2 hours to watch '60 Minutes'."
32.
"The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
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Things to Ponder...
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
11. Is there another word for synonym?
12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
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"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing.
If you can fake that, you've got it made."- Groucho Marx"Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others."
- Groucho Marx "If you speak three languages, you're trilingual. If you speak two languages, you're biligual. If you speak one, you're English" (German joke, quoted in 'The Times' ['The Week'], 19)."German humour is no laughing matter" ("Mark Twain, quoted in 'The Times' [ibid.], 19).