STORY JOKES

Story Jokes

GOD AND THE BIKER

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." 

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want." 

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take!
It will nearly exhaust several natural resources . I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. 

Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me." 

The biker thought about it for a long time. 

Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy." 

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

COMPLIANT HUNTER

A couple of Kentucky hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls  911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"  The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead."

....There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"

MY FOOTSTEPS?

An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then-four-year-old daughter.  On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and  began playing with it.  Be still, my heart,thought my friend, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!  Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's.  May I take you order?"

A WISE LITTLE GIRL

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr.Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mothertold her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr.Sugarbrown's daughter?"  She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

TOO ROUGH

A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"  Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

THUMB SUCKING

A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow

 up like a balloon."  Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh...I know what *you've* been doing."

SO KEEP THE SINGING DOWN, OK?

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"  One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

___________

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park:  the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear - everything there was!

Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered a Big Mac for her along with extra fries and refreshing chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie - the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"

One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."

The moral of this story is: If a woman speaks and a man is there to hear her, he will get it wrong anyway.

___________

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

________

AWOL

Twenty-eight years ago, Herman James, a West Virginian mountain man, was drafted into the Army.
On his first day in boot camp, the Army issued him a comb.  That afternoon an Army barber sheared his head.
On his second day, the Army issued him a tooth brush.  That afternoon, an Army dentist yanked several of his teeth.
On the third day, he was issued a jock strap. 
The Army is still looking for him.

______

The doctor told me "Physical exercise is good for you." I know that I should do it, but my body is out of shape, so I have worked out this easy daily program I can do anywhere:

Monday:
Beat around the bush.
Jump to conclusions.
Climb the walls.
Wade through paperwork.

Tuesday:
Drag my heels.
Push my luck.
Make mountains out of mole hills.
Hit the nail on the head.

Wednesday:
Bend over backwards.
Jump on the band wagon.
Balance the books.
Run around in circles.

Thursday:
Toot my own horn.
Climb the ladder of success.
Pull out the stops.
Add fuel to the fire.

Friday:
Open a can of worms.
Put my foot in my mouth.
Go over the edge.
Start the ball rolling.

Saturday:
Pick up the pieces.

Whew! What a workout
You are invited to use my program without charge!!

_____

"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
"I love cats...they taste just like chicken"
"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."
"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."
"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"
"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"
"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.... ...Not screaming and yelling like his passengers...."
"Montana --- At least our cows are sane!"
"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."
"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"
"Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!"
"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."
"We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse."
"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."
"He who laughs last thinks slowest"
"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."
"i souport publik edekasion"
"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"
"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"

_____

   A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW  advanced out of the dust cloud towards him.  The driver, a
young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie,
leaned out the window and asked the shepherd...

 "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have  in your flock, will you
give me one?"

 The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a  yuppie, then looked at his
peacefully-grazing  flock and calmly answered, "Sure."

 The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM  Thinkpad and connected it
to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where  he
called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then
opened up a database  and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas.  He
sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a  few minutes, received a
response.

 Finally, he  prints out a 130 page report on his miniaturized printer then
turns to the shepherd and says.......

 "You have exactly 1586 sheep."

 "That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd.

 He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his
car.

 Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly  what your business is,
will you give me back my animal?"

"OK, why not." answered the young man.

 "Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd.

 "That's correct." says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

 "No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although
nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew,  to a
question I never asked, and you don't know  anything about my business....
Now give me back my dog.

_____

A doctor is talking to a car mechanic, "Your fee is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care."

NEVER ARGUE WITH A CHILD

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew.

She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked:

"Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered: "Thou shall not kill."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.

She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said: "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grownup and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael. He's a doctor.'"

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

HOLMES AND WATSON

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are going camping. They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night, Holmes wakes Watson up: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce."

Watson says, "I see millions of stars and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."

Holmes replied: "Watson, you idiot, somebody stole our tent."

DEAF WIFE

A man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?"

The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand 15 feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer and asking the question until she hears you."

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands 15 feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?" He gets no response, so he moves to 10 feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet--still no answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

She replies, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!"

IN THE OPERATING ROOM

A List of Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery:

* Oops!
* Has anyone seen my watch?
* Come back with that! Bad Dog!
* Wait a minute. If this is his spleen, then what's that?
* Hand me that ... uh ... that uh ... thingy
* There go the lights again ...
* Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
* Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
* What do you mean, he's not insured?
* FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out! 

LAZY HUSBAND

A man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"OK," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

MEMORY

Three elderly men are at the doctor's office for a memory test. The doctor asks the first man, "What is three times three?"

"274" is his reply.

The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling and says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"

"Tuesday," replies the second man.

The doctor shakes his head sadly then asks the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"

"Nine," says the third man.

"That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"

"Simple," he says, "just subtract 274 from Tuesday."

ASSAULT

A woman went to see her doctor. After about 15 minutes with one of the new doctors, she went screaming down the hall. Another doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was and she explained.

The second doctor went back to the first and said, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old. She has four grown children and seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor simply smiled and said, "Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

- - - 

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper -- he calls it a poem. They give him $50 for it."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper -- he calls it a song. They give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper -- he calls it a sermon: and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

- - - 

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"

He said, "Call for back-up."

- - - 

A Sunday-School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.

A small child replied: "They couldn't get a babsitter."

- - - 

A Sunday-School teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six-year-olds. After explaining the commandment to "Honour thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters. 

Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shalt not kill."

- - - 

At Sunday-School, they were teaching how God created everything - including human beings.  Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill and said, "Johnny  what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side.  I think I'm going to have a wife ."

THE 4 BEST SMART ANSWERS OF 2006

SMART ANSWER 4#

It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?"  John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied. 

SMART  ANSWER #3

A lady was s picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

SMART  ANSWER #2

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART  ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway.  A sign comes up that
reads, "Low Bridge Ahead."  Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles.  Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
gas."

MY DOCTOR

Let me tell you about my doctor.  He's very good. If you tell him you  want a second opinion, he'll go out and come in again.

He treated one woman for yellow jaundice for three years before he realized she was Chinese.

Another time he gave a patient six months to live. At the end of the  six
months, the patient hadn't paid his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

While he was talking to me, his nurse came in and said, "Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he's invisible.”
The doctor said, "Tell him I can't see him."

Another time, a man came running in the office and yelled "Doctor, Doctor!!
My son just swallowed a roll of film!!" 

The doctor calmly replied, "Let's just wait and see what develops."

One patient came in and said, "Doctor, I have a serious memory problem.
The doctor asked, "When did it start?" 
The man replied, "When did what start?"

I remember one time I told my doctor I had a ringing in my ears.

His advice: "Don't answer it."

My doctor sure has his share of nut cases. One said to him, "Doctor, I think I'm a bell."
The doctor gave him some pills and said, "Here, take these. If
they don't work, give me a ring."

Another guy told the doctor that he thought he was a deck of cards.  The doctor simply said, "Go sit over there.  I'll deal with you later."

When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places, he told me to stop going to those places.

You know, doctors can be so frustrating. You wait a month and a half  for an appointment, then he says, "I wish you had come to me sooner."

 = = = = =

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass and hand the lemon  to a patron.

Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time --- weightlifters, jackaroos, etc. But nobody could do it.

One day a scrawny little man came in wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said "Okay", grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six more drops of juice fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid him the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter or what?"

The man replied, "I work for The  Tax Office."

= = = = =

An atheist was walking through the woods.
"What majestic trees"!
"What powerful rivers"!
"What beautiful animals"!
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian"?

"Very Well," said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen