US politics

US politics

.... With all the blackouts here in California experts think there could be a baby boom in nine months. Well, especially if Jesse Jackson is around. Jesse has admitted to [an affair] with a woman that he worked [with] at the Rainbow Coalition.

.. It gives a new meaning to "affirmative action." She said, "You want some action?" He said, "Affirmative."  ....  Hypocrite of the month goes to [Demo] Sen. Paul Wellstone. He was one of the loudest voices about congressional term limits. When he ran, he said he would only serve two terms and then get out. He announced yesterday that he is running for a third term. I guess two terms wasn't enough time to break all his campaign promises. **Nope, we give this one to Jesse!

What do the Dutch have in common with Al Gore? They put people to sleep.

Bumper Humor: "Freedom's precious metals: gold, silver and lead."

Some Vietnamese officials were hoping Clinton would apologize for the Vietnam War. Apologize? He wasn't even there!

Letterman.... Al Gore is very desperate. He really wants to win. The whole deal with Gore is this, you see, he's spent the last eight years around the White House and now he just wants to be able to walk into the Oval Office without knocking and yelling, "Are you decent?!" 

Leno.... 

...  Gore says he'll leave Washington with love, appreciation, and hope. I think he's full of it!  ....  Janet Reno will be looking for a new job too. She was going to open up her own Web site, but Amazon.com has already been taken.

Letterman....    Both houses have confirmed George W. Bush to be the president-elect. The longer this goes on, it looks like he just might win this thing!  ....  According to a new poll, 60% of Americans have very, very low expectations for the George W. Bush presidency. Earlier today, he said he is going to do his very best to live up to those expectations. ....  It's now official. Hillary Clinton is now the junior Senator from New York; she was sworn in. She used the Clinton family Bible for the swearing in -- you know, the one with seven commandments.

Hamilton.... Halliburton Co. [the oil services firm] honored Dick Cheney with a retirement party in Dallas. It was described as a small, private affair. Let's hope that line works better for the Bush [team] than it did for the Clinton administration.

THE DIFFERENCE!

How do you tell the difference between Democrats, Republicans and Southern Republicans? The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You are walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?

Democrat’s Answer: Well, that’s not enough information to answer the question. Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior. This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.

Republican’s Answer: BANG!

Southern Republican’s Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!